Ivy
5 Mental Emotional Negotiations That Don’t Help
Written by Coach Ivy
“Coach Ivy…I never thought my childhood would affect me in business!” My client sat confused, waving her hand in the air for emphasis. “I thought being easy-going would help our service.” My client gave me permission to share her story. We all tend to make mental agreements in life. Childhood agreements, while difficult to identify, can be the most rewarding to change. Gaining Approval or avoiding conflict can be pricey. It leaves us feeling unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. Left unchecked, they erode our self-respect and confidence. In addition to building unhealthy resentment. In this blog, we will cover the five mental-emotional negotiations that do not help.
- Keeping the peace
Keeping the peace at all costs is not peaceful. Tolerating A disrespectful personality is exhausting. We fool ourselves into believing it’s a worthy price to pay. Sometimes we may even marvel at our own resilience. It’s really like wearing a miserably uncomfortable mask. Saying to ourselves, “it’s not that bad.” Or “that’s just the way they are.” Leaves us stuck in the loop of repeating unresolved issues. This is what I call Mental Emotional Negotiations That Don’t Help. A coach can help us gain the clarity necessary to stop the insanity. This can start with healthy boundaries. Reviewing relationship boundaries releases stress. It gives us hope for the future. Nobody really wants to be a people pleaser.
Action step: Plan a boundary for a currently disrespectful relationship. Decide how you will communicate this effectively.
- Who can you change?
Do you believe you can make a difficult person be nice to you? This is the hallmark belief of most peacemakers. They will become trapped in the cycle of over-explaining. Or perhaps they will be too accommodating. Using sick days to help people move. Or perhaps they drop everything to drive someone somewhere. Determining who is using you is key. Ultimately, you must ask yourself, “Who can I change?” The truth is we can’t change anybody. Only God can change a person. And even then, that person must submit to God first. A Christian personal growth Coach can help bridge this gap. Regarding change, 2 Thessalonians 3:5 says, “Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the patience of Christ.”
Action step: Make 2 lists. One of the behaviors we cannot control. The other of behaviors fully within your control. Now memorize the second list.
3. Kindness With Boundaries
Kindness without healthy boundaries teaches people to take advantage of you. Kindness with boundaries teaches people to respect you. Constantly thinking we can fix other people’s lives is exhausting. They get used to you always being available. And this will get to the point where they don’t even say thank you anymore. The book of Proverbs 4:23 tells us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” This is a great reminder that the world already has a Savior in Jesus. God never designed us to be a savior. This doesn’t mean you should be hard or unloving. It means do things to the Glory of God. You must be a good steward of all the blessings and talents that God has given you. Overusing these leads to burnout and resentment. God loves a cheerful giver. Don’t let the world make you bitter. Take your time deciding if you have time to help someone. Never rush and give a “yes” answer.
Action step: practice out loud, “I will get back to you on this.”
4. Don’t Ignore Your Needs
No one can pour anything out of an empty cup. Constantly saying yes. Or perhaps answering a text within minutes may seem practical in the moment. However, this often leads to deep resentment. You will find that you no longer enjoy the things you sign up for. You’ll find yourself grumbling or murmuring bitterly. And the person may know but simply doesn’t care. They are used to you solving their problems. Often you may find it’s the same people using you. We are human and we have limitations. Continuing to remain on the go is not a strength. This is unsustainable and will affect the health of the relationship. Usually, the relationships we sacrifice are the ones dearest to us. This can be your spouse or children. And the damaging effects can last a lifetime. Self-care is not selfish. It is a responsible step and stewardship of your time. You become more effective when you are well rested.
Action step: schedule some time for yourself to journal.
- Change may feel scary
Unhealthy environments are still unhealthy. Don’t let fear control you. We stay in the familiar because it’s less scary than the unknown. You may say things like “maybe they will change… ” or “what if I make the wrong decision?” These thoughts are really Mental Emotional Negotiations That Don’t Help. The Bible can be a great encourager in 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” Fear is often just a big lie. God has equipped us with discernment to move forward. Stepping beyond our comfort zone is a part of growth. Consider this question: “Is it fear you’re feeling, or could it be excitement?” Change is a wonderful part of being human. Enjoy those moments of change or something new.
Action step: think of a change you want to see happen. Now write down the smallest first step that you can take in the next two days.
Key Takeaways
Always consider your emotional health, connection, and stability. Don’t allow Mental Emotional Negotiations That Don’t Help steal your joy. The cost becomes great when we sacrifice our values. Is it worth sacrificing our time with our family to be a part-time hero for someone? Never sacrifice your dignity or family time. Self-abandonment does not equal a healthy relationship. Great relationships are built on trust and consideration. The hallmarks of a healthy relationship include boundaries. Always make time to reevaluate your relationships. Remember, real compassion and kindness feel better inside boundaries. Consider coaching as a bridge towards peace. A Christian Life coach will sit with you and help you create action steps. Be kind to yourself; you are the only you in this world.
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