Ivy
The Cost of Being Everyone’s Hero (and How to Stop People-Pleasing) “Why does everyone ask me for help?” My friend would often ask me this question. I finally asked. “Do you set it up that way?” Resentment from people-pleasing was her big breakthrough! In her eyes, I saw her processing memories. For more clarity, read my post on “5 Ways Doubt Destroys Progress.” Memories of showing up for people, only to feel drained. It may feel good to say “Yes” in the moment. But I will ask my clients, “Did you feel immediately resentful afterward?” If so, it may be time for a change. It’s good to ask yourself, “Is it the same person with the same problem?” If so, is it your problem? These questions bring clarity to your truth. God never made us to be everyone’s savior. The book of John 3:15 tells us, “God gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but shall have everlasting life.” In this verse, the Bible is speaking of our Savior, Jesus. In this blog, we will understand why saving people harms us. We will also see ways to finally break free!
- The Hero Trap
Why being a hero is lonely. Perhaps saying “Yes” to a request makes you feel like a hero. Somewhere, you felt this gave you value. Feeling like you are the answer to everyone’s problem. The fixer, the one who shows up. This turns into a costly habit. To make this happen, we give up time and resources. We might take a day off to help someone move. Or we give up our lunch hour or two. We may lend our car or money. We struggle with the embarrassment of saying “No”. Perhaps you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Or do you feel responsible for their response? You shamefully cover up the magnitude of your sacrifice. The second after saying yes, you experience deep resentment. For more clarity on this topic, see my blog on “Thrive and Transform.” This is one of the first signs that you are over-performing. You fear not being enough. People-pleasing is ensuring validation by over-giving. Please remember, one-sided dynamics are not connections. You become a human-doing instead of a human being. Anxious reactions, rather than responses, are red flags for change. Action Step: Ask yourself, “Did they ask for my help?”
- Resentment
A bitter way to live. Resentment builds when you go against who God designed you to be. God never meant for you to be invisible. To silently suffer for the benefit of others. Disappointment builds when you don’t speak up. Emotional withdrawal damages your self-esteem. By freezing, you lose trust in yourself. Resentment lingers with toxic bitterness. Waves of ruminating thoughts are exhausting. Thoughts like “Why don’t they care?” or “Don’t they see how upset I am?” The truth is, only you can teach others how to treat you. Repeated incidents of slights or no appreciation hurt. It is unfair to continue to be used. Stored anger usually explodes on those we love. We are not meant to tolerate a negative life. A schedule full of someone else’s problems is no way to live. Do they ever take care of our lives? Or our To-do list? No time to clean our car or do laundry. These are reminders that things need to change. Waiting for someone to notice our pain is no way to live. Action Step: Ask yourself, “Do they ever notice my pain?”
- Jesus said “No!”
Every problem is a boundary problem. In the book of Mark 1:35 NKJV “Now in the morning, having risen a long while before daylight, He went out and departed to a [a]solitary place; and there He prayed.” Here we see Jesus took time to be still. Jesus didn’t say yes to everyone. He didn’t agree to every demand. He honored His Father God’s instruction rather than people’s wishes. Jesus modeled that there is a time for everything. Saying no is vital for our survival. Declining requests to protect your time is healthy. Downtime increases your focus by prioritizing self-care. Boundaries help manage stress and overwhelm. Try turning your focus towards yourself. You will enjoy renewed confidence and control. This enhances authenticity. Family and friends will have more opportunities to grow. Saying no to something non-essential protects your energy. Saying no to people-pleasing stabilizes mental health. People learn to respect your boundaries. Action Step: Ask yourself, “Am I okay to let them solve their issues?”
- Protect Your Identity
Stand up for yourself. It may feel good in the moment to be needed. If it is the same people with the same problems, nothing changes. They become accustomed to waiting for you to solve their problems. Resentment builds and hardens your heart. God did not create you to save everyone. Pouring into everyone’s cup leaves yours empty. This hurts your identity. You find yourself in the same predicament. Adopting undesirable catering roles leaves us broken. The book of Galatians 1:10 (NKJV) tells us, “For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.” A sacrificed identity leads to low self-esteem. We neglect our own identity to please others. We are teaching others to treat us poorly. What we really want is satisfying relationships. Healthy relationships are rich with happy memories. Shallow and frail relationships don’t grow. Losing ourselves with others is no way to live. If you are reading this, it’s a sign that change is needed. Action Step: Ask yourself, “Are my motives healthy for me?”
- Why Carry People?
Is it really your problem? God did not make you to carry everyone. The book of Matthew 11:28 NKJV tells us, “Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Carrying people sabotages your energy and resources. Because it’s dehumanizing, turning people (and yourself) into problems. Don’t set things up to feel manipulated by yourself. Relationships are reciprocal; both sides give. Prioritizing yourself builds worth, allowing you to grow. Emotional well-being starts with peace. Just like in an airplane mishap, the user puts their mask on first. Clearly communicate limits and boundaries. This may seem difficult, but it is worth it. Take small steps, starting with one solid “No” per month. Practice at home to see how it feels. Use a mirror and practice the words you would say. A Coach can help you work through role-playing. Action Step: Sign up for our Coaching workshops or one-on-one sessions. You are Worthy of Peace. You don’t have to earn love. You don’t have to be resentful. You don’t have to feel used. God did not design you to be a Savior. Our Savior is Jesus Christ. Are you tired of this and ready for change? If you feel neglected and resentful, help is available. Join our next Group Coaching for Women! Topics include:
- Boundary challenges or emotional overstepping
- Trust and reliability concerns
- Difficult or unhealthy conflict
Event Details: Date: May 14th & 15th Time: 7 PM EST Location: LIVE on Zoom Investment: $35 Tap this link: May Women’s Group Coaching
